RAIN....

Rain!. Definitely the raining season right now. It's hard to go anywhere when it's rain. But one thing for sure, I kinda like a rainy season. It makes me feel like cold and heartless..hhhaah... just kidding!. It make me feel like cold, cozy and my body not sweating much on the rainy season. But hard for me to go anyway when rainy season. I wonder how it's feel when have no transportation and have to walked in this season!

Back to the good old days. When my brother and I was a little kid. I think I was 12 and my brother was 8 years old. We deliberated waiting for the rainy season for enjoyed our natural swimming pool, "flood".

Hahaha... It just to wait only one night of heavy rains and tomorrow, we will enjoying our natural swimming pool. It nice to have all of our friends swimming around the house. One minute at my house and next to my neighbour's house. 

I'm older enough to do all that silly thing when I was a kid. But, if I can pretend I was a kid, maybe I can do all the silly thing but it's not feel the same. The place was not the same, the people was not the same. It just in my memories remain there but in reality, It's not feel the same way again!.  

Now, it's rain again. Make me feel so cold and comfort. Here I am, sitting in front of the window, waiting for something might be happen. A miracles perhaps.  :)

CONFESSION

Right there beside the window, at my desk I sat 

Right there beside the wall, I lay down on my bed

Right there along the side walk, I walk with my friends

And there were times thoughts swirl in my mind

Falling down ceaselessly like drops of heavy rain. 

    

     Blinking in the darkness, trying to find a way

     Guilt written in my shadow

     Extending my hands, I reach for truth in the lights

     Why didn't it come to me eternities before?

            Looking at the hopeless reflections in my eyes

            Looking for the signs of forgiveness

            Looking at the specks of anger

            Looking for a flicker of forgiveness

            Looking at that set mouth

            Looking for the smile of forgiveness.

In your eyes, I am a fleck of snow

There are still thousands like me

I am cold, I have no feelings, I am hollow

You can brush me off when I land on your shoulder

You can step on me without caring if I'm hurt

And then I'll melt away into nothing, like winter.

     What's in your heart, I wonder?

     Where is your courage, I wonder?

     What do you think of me, I wonder?

     What are their perceptions of me, I wonder?

     Do you think I'm a fool, I wonder?

     Do I appeared to be a fool, I wonder?

     Did you have a good time, I wonder?

     Where is the respect that I deserve, I wonder.

             Stop giving me hints, I'm not dumb

             What are you thinking, lead me to the truth

             And hoping I'll solve the puzzle, put an end to the matter

             And relieve you of your responsibilities?

             Don't try to make me a puppet under your thumb

             I said stop giving hints, I don't yearn for you and I'm not dumb!

You shouldn't have bothered in the first place

Then I wouldn't have to worry about your feelings

I wouldn't wonder if there's something wrong that I did

I wouldn't feel guilty of the way you're being treated

Did you know how these things plagued my mind

All the unnecessary time and energy it claimed

Do you know how much you could've spare me if you confessed

When I've got so much more to think about other than the

feelings of someone who doesn't care?

          You know, it's not that I like you so much that it hurts so bad

          Come on, the fool that I may be, I'm not that stupid to give all of my heart so easily

          But because of the trust you betrayed

          I had held the faith that if things go wrong we'll put it right the way we should

          I had held the faith that you will be honest with me

          I had held the faith that you are different

          That whatever decision made it's a matter of two person

          Not a person... and a fleck of snow.

We don't die because there's no love, we die because there's no hope. I had hoped that you could at least be honest, like a friend should be. I would have been perfectly fine with that, if only you had told me.

-Credit to Eva Beans-

http://yesiammyownshrink.blogspot.com/

By the river... On the Snow

Lately I'm feeling so down. Suddenly, I am missing someone. "The someone" is special to me.

We used to be closed. Not only a friend, a good friend.

Now, "the someone" is far away from me. It's not far by distance but far in heart. 

"The someone" is completely changed. I act like I don't care but deeply in my heart I'm missing that person.

There is a water flow down the stream,
There is a snowflake scattered along the walking path,
For me, it only just a river flow and a snow falls,
It couldn't change what I felt,
I want to leave, I want to hide, I want to run,
but my heart is more bitter than a cup a coffee,
The feeling inside me is stronger than a river flow,
I am completely damaged for what i have..
Why I must found you?
Why I must falling for you?
Why I must longing you?
It crumble inside me..no matter how hard I try to hide it,
but it completely come out and I've been longing again,
Now I have to moved along the river,
walk along the scattered snow...
To find the something that missing inside me,
To find the strength that all gone long time ago..
and I keep walking....

The Feelings

I want to run, I want to hide, I want to cry..

The feelings crumble inside me,

The feeling makes me sick,

The feeling makes me feel down,

I'm just only a person .. who can't do everything,

I'm only want to run..

Runaway to the place that people never know me..

Make a brand new start...

Make a new friends..

Begin a new life..

but it only just a feeling that crumble inside me...

It never stop until i try to face it..

I am so tired of being "me"..

I just want to rest of being "me"

but it only just a feeling that crumble inside me...

The world could be made of darker colors,

It seems at the moment

The feeling are weighing me down,

I'm wonder..

That I don't crumble from the burden,

It's not that I give up on life

I just want to be hibernate..

Going into a deeper state of mind,

Where I don't have to think,

and regularly robbed momentarily,

of inner peace by something..

Thought I hope the responsibilities I carry

Shape up a better me..

Sometimes I feel tired,

I just want to hibernate...

I'm blessed to have sensitive heart

that could feel the pain and joy..

more than some others

but when it feel empty... it grips so hard

that I just want to get rid of my guts

because that's where

it can envelops the strongest

I just want to hibernate..

I want to stop breathing

I want to stop thinking

to go back to the purer me

with less guilt and hate

with more innocence

in my heart and my mind

simply add, I JUST WANT TO HIBERNATE....

- credit to Eva Beans-

http://yesiammyownshrink.blogspot.com/

Malam yang suram

Hye. Lama sungguh tak berblog!. Malam yang suram ni di samping mendengar alunan piano yiruma, mengharapkan mata ni terlelap la. Haih!! bertambah terang pulak mata ni. erm..
Aku tgk di luar,semuanya dah lena si ulit mimpi tapi aku!.adeh! tak faham juga rasanya.
Malam yg sungguh panjang bagi aku kalau penyakit aku ni mari. Penyakit tak boleh tido
Best kalau malam-malam ni aku keluar dari rumah,start kereta and headed to the road. Tak kisah la nak pergi mana pun asalkan dapat keluar dari dunia aku ini sekejap.
In my mind, aku nak pergi pulau. Yes, It's 2nd time aku ke pulau.. but this time kalau aku berpeluang pergi sekali lagi, aku akan menikmati suasana itu cukup-cukup. Yes! aku teringin sangat nak tengok sunset and sunrise. Time aku belajar dulu pun,aku selalu curi-curi keluar ke pantai batu hitam. I watched sunrise there. Ya Allah, sungguh indah cipta Mu.
Now,aku tersenyum-senyum sorang plak bila teringat tentang "sunrise" kt pantai bt. hitam.
Okey.. I think I stop here. Nak try tido. Mana tau kot-kot lepas ber blog ni aku terus tidur. good night fellas!

-Memories Remain-

"Denting yang berbunyi dari dinding kamarku, sedarkan diriku dari lamunan panjang tak terasa malam kini semakin larut, ku masih terjaga. sayang kau di mana aku ingin bersama aku butuh semua untuk tepiskan rindu, mungkinkah kau di sana merasa yang sama seperti diriku di malam ini…

rintik gerimis mengundang kekasih di malam ini, kita menari dalam rindu yang indah sepi ku rasa hatiku saat ini oh sayangku, jika kau di sini aku tenang .."

Aku dengar lagu ini time aku balik kampong tahun 2002. Untuk pertama kali nya aku berjumpa dengan kaum keluargaku. Lagu Melly Goeslow ni adalah salah satu lagu dalam filem “ada apa dengan cinta”. Banyak kenangan di sebalik kesemua lagu melly goeslow ini lebih-lebih lagi “denting”.

Ia berkenaan dengan hati yang sedang merindu. Yela, ketika itu aku merindui sesorang yang jauh di Malaysia.

Sekarang aku masih lagi mengingati keadaan itu bila lagu itu berkumandang. Nak jer aku menjerit. “Aku mau berada di keadaan itu!..di waktu itu!” tapi aku sedar. Aku tidak boleh kembali semula pada waktu itu. Aku hanya boleh memandang ke depan dan aku tak akan toleh ke belakang lagi.

Itu la aku! Seringkali mengingati kisah-kisah lama yang menggembirakan hatiku. I just want the memories remain in my heart!. Biarpun kisah itu telah 10 tahun berlalu ataupun baru berlalu. Asalkan ia kenangan yang menggembirakanku, akan aku igt sampai bila-bila biarpun orang nya berubah. Life is empty without a memories!..

-klik-

Friends....

Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need to be with my friends. But, where are my friends now? In my life, friends come and go as they wish. A few friend stay with me all along. Thanks for being my friends. We don’t ever realize the worth of having them as a friends until they gone. Trust me! I’ve been there!. Realize except family, I do really need a friends.

Life will be wonderful if we have what we wanted...but what I want?? To be respect, to be trusted by someone, to be there when they need me and at least to be noticed by someone. Now I’m hurt because of a them..But I realize I cannot make them noticed me..I cannot forced them to like me..I am what I am. Luckily, I do still have a friends (one in a million) beside me. Walk along with me. Crying with me. Wherever you go my friends, the “friendship” is still in me. Miss you all along.

~ Thank you ~

R.E.F.L.E.C.T.I.O.N

Look at me, you may think you see who I really am

But you'll never know me

Every day it's as if I play a part

Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me

Why is my reflection someone I

Don't know

Must I pretend I'm someone else

For all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

There's a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide

I won't pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside

TODAY...

As usual, I wake up early  in the morning. The scenery is like "cold and heartless" morning. But, i forced my self to get up. What a laziest morning!, Again!. 

Something happened yesterday. It make my heart crumble!

It make my heard ache!
But i always have something to hold on. Then, I smile again. 

Everything happens for a reason. It just take me to hold on and deal with it.

" Chayok!" . Be grateful for what you have!. 

-klik-